My dear customers, I trust that you found part 1 extremely useful. I would now like to update you with part 2. Please print it off and attach it to part 1 on your fridge. I’m sure you realise how important these points are, and wonder how you ever managed without them.
9. WE ONLY TALK TO THE POLICY HOLDER
This is part of the Data Protection laws of this country. If you are not the policy holder do not ask questions about the policy. You are breaking the law. You are asking me or my colleagues to break the law. If you wish to commit a criminal offence please do it on your own time. Not ours. If one of your relatives has just bought a property and wants to know about previous insurance, then ask the previous owners. Do not call us. We won’t tell you. I completely agree that it would be far better if we could share every bit of information we have. It would make life so much easier for all of us. Nothing hidden. No secrets. In this regard you won’t mind if I pass your details on to crimewatch, police force, scotland yard, MI5, interpol, etc.
10. REMEMBER THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHO THE AGENT IS
At my call centre we are all professional people. The letters after my name are for religious studies. No, dear customer, you don’t need to send me any of your religious pamphlets, books, etc. This qualification helps me with cultures, the way people live, and conversing with people of diversity (not the dance group). Some of my colleagues are lawyers. Yes, dear customer. They can sue you if you’re mean to them. Some of them are accountants. Some of them are vets. Yes, we do have the occasional animal phoning us. The point is, it may be a good idea to be nice to us.
11. WE ARE NOT CHICKENS
With regards to the recent advert please see the above point 10. Especially the part about the lawyers.
12. WE NEED THE ADDRESS
If you want to take out a policy, have a query on an existing policy, or need to make a claim, it would be extremely beneficial if you have your address. Just the house number will not tell us who or where you are. Got it? If you’ve forgotten where you live, ask a family member. Before you phone us.
13. WE ARE NOT A CHARITY
The policies may be on special offer when you first purchase one, but they are not free because you may be on benefits or pension. If you are on benefits/pension and can’t afford a policy then get a job, or go find a charity.
14. CHECK YOUR BANK STATEMENTS
It’s nice to know that some people can take out a policy in 1997 and pay monthly, and then forget they have it. You obviously have so much spare cash that you don’t need to check where it’s going. In this regard please contact me. I will supply my bank details. You can set up a direct debit to pay me. £1000 per month should do it. Thanks. Also, I’ll supply bank details for my daughter, my parents, my aunt and uncle, my friend, my other friend, my cousin, my other cousin. They’ll all settle for £100 per week. Thanks. I’ll also supply a list of the prospective customers who are on benefits/pension who can’t afford one of our policies. They’ll settle for £50 a week. You’re very kind.
Please keep a look out for further helpful updates. I’ve been advised that this list is extrememly useful, and people are wondering why no one has been this helpful previously. Well, now you have this most important document please keep it somewhere safe.